I think back to when I was going through Chemo & Radiation. People use to be shocked at my appearance when I was sick. The only way you could tell I was sick was by my head. I was bald & I wore a scarf. You could see I was bald by the bottom of the scarf. Some days I just looked tired, but all in all, I looked normal. I didn't realize this until later. I didn't lose weight. I gained due to the steroid. I gained 9 lbs. I looked healthy. I felt like crap a lot, but I didn't look like it. I remember how my grandfather, grandmother & father looked when they had Cancer. I thought I was going to look like that. I expected the worse at first. I remember Praying so much & listening to other people who had gone through what I was enduring. I said if God did it for them, he can do the same for me. I looked a Chemo like the killer of the Cancer in my chest & I had to take it. I would sit & look around the room at all the people. I was the youngest person in the room. I was 37 at that time. Everyone in there getting Chemo was really older. We all were bald & looked tired. That was so depressing for me. I use to ask to lay in the private suite to get my Chemo. I was there 2 days every 3 weeks. I would be there from 10Am-2:30PM getting poison pumped in my body. I would people watch. I just looked at everyone & would wonder what was their story & what kind of Cancer they had & say a silent Prayer for each person. They wrap you up in a bunch of blankets & you can watch tv, read or just sleep. I couldn't concentrate to watch TV. I just Prayed & meditated. I remember this person said to me, use the power of your mind to beat this with Prayer. What you believe & think is what you get. You want to live, think & see yourself well. That's what I would do. I had my sad moments, don't get me wrong. I'm not perfect. I saw myself well. When I would go for my check-ups during that time, my Doctor was amazed at how I was doing. He said he had never had a patient who didn't look sick during this process. God was the reason. I thought I looked sickly. My friend & husband would say to me, you don't know how good you look considering what you're going through. I remember when I completed Chemo. I was so emotional! I didn't think it would ever end & I made it! I had to started Radiation & the 1st 2 weeks you feel fine. I was like I got this. They said on the 3rd week, you're body will crash & you will be so week. Boy oh boy, they didn't lie! I was so exhausted! I couldn't even stand for too long. My husband had to help me walk & Radiation made me so emotional. I would cry the whole way home from the hospital. I couldn't believe how I felt & why. I would go Mon-Fri for 4 weeks. The Radiation treatment would last maybe 10 mins. It takes so much out of you. Thurs I would get a burst of energy, so I would go dressed nice, because I felt good. That made me feel good! I kept saying I can do this. This to shall pass! God is able. I know I slept a lot during that time. I listened to Healing CD's & that was amazing. It got in my head & I would recite the scriptures in my sleep. I had to do mind over matter. I fought tooth & nail with mind power with Prayer. I Pray for people who are just beginning this journey & I Pray for strength & belief in God that he can heal. My friend had to say you can beat this. She saw the pain I endured. I can't explain it, but I will never forget it. I'm so glad it's over & I speak health into my life. I don't speak illness. That's the power of the mind. If you want a healing, speak it & believe it! Don't ever give up on God & your mind power. God is a healer! Love to all! ;)
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Thursday, October 11, 2012
I'm amazed at how good God is.........
Hello! I remember when I was a child & my grandma use to make me go to Church every Sunday. I use to get so angry, because I wanted to sleep in. I would get up & go & have an attitude. I now see how important it was for me to go to Church. It set the foundation for me in life. My grandmother taught us about God early on. She use to tell us stories about the Bible. This one particular story stood out in my mind. She said you better be good & do right in life. She said God don't like ugly. She said you & you're keep being bad & when the world end, I will go to Heaven & you two will burn in Hell. She said we will be walking down the street & the sky will get black & the world will start to end & God will pull me up in the sky & you will be crying, saying grandma don't leave us. She said God might give you a 2nd chance to do right & you can make it to Heaven & we will see each other again. That story scared me straight! I wouldn't do certain things, because of that story! She always said be righteous in your life. I think of the story now & laugh. It saved my life. I would watch my friends do bad & I would leave. They would tease me, but I didn't care. I wasn't brought up like that. I'm so thankful & amazed at how good God has been to me! I still can't do bad, without seeing my grandmother & thinking what would God think. God has kept me out of some situations. God gave me intuition & I use it. I was about 18 or 19 & I had friends that would drink alcohol & smoke weed, but before they would start, I would leave. I would tell them call me later. By that point, they understood my beliefs & they would said ok. They teased at first, but they got it. My grandmother talked to me about a lot & I respected what she was saying & I chose to listen. I didn't want to do what everybody else was doing. I wasn't a bad kid. I didn't sneak out or do crazy things as a teenager, because I had that Church foundation & I knew the power of God. I did little sneaky things from time to time, but nothing major. God is amazing to me. I could've chosen the path my brother had taken, but I was the type of kid who learned from others mistakes. God made me strong! I sit back in amazement about how God has been in control of my life from day 1. We think we're running things, but oh how naïve we really are. God pulls us out of some bad situations. I know you don't think you made that happen. Sit back & watch God amaze you. Surrender & watch life flow so easily. This I know. I'm so AMAZED!!! Love to all! ;)
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
You don't have to understand someone's journey in life..........Wish them well & not condemn.
Hello! Everybody does not take the same path in life. Just because someone is not on the level you think they should be on is not your concern, unless it's your child. Some people don't find their passion until later in life. That's fine! God may still be working on that person to get them to the right place in life. Don't judge! People find it real easy to judge a person for success or lack there of. Everybody is not meant to be famous, rich or successful. Some people can be content in life with what they are doing. Some people are meant to be teachers. That's their calling in life. That's great for them. Some people may be CEO's & that's great for them. Some may even work a regular 9 to 5 & that's great for them. If they're happy & content, mind your business! A lot of people make a career change in life. Why? They were not happy & maybe they were not fulfilling their calling in life. Whatever you choose to do in life, rather it's later in life, do what makes you happy. You can't please everyone. Remember that fact! I'm at a point in my life where I'm in search of my calling. It's ok! I don't have to please anyone but God. Only God can judge me! I've been Blessed to be a housewife for 8yrs. Even though I endured Cancer in 09, my life is so different. The things I liked doing back then (work), I don't have the desire for that anymore. God is moving in my life & I'm being patient & waiting. I'm not moving to anybody's tune, just because they feel I should be doing something. God is revealing things to me. I feel I'm close to a major breakthrough! It's never too late to start your life over. Don't let anybody tell you it is. Marla Gibbs didn't become an actress until 41. That says a lot. Keep pushing on whatever it is you want to do. If you start something & don't finish, that wasn't the plan for you. Boom! If you're passionate about something & it's for you, you will complete it. I don't care if I start a million projects & stop, it's my business! One day a project will stick. Just because you stop something, doesn't make you a loser. You're stopping for a reason. Remember that! Prayer is the key! Ask God to reveal it to you & it shall be revealed. I Blog & I don't have but a few followers, but one day I will reach people & make a difference. I'm not blogging just to blog. It's a reason why I'm doing this. It's healing & helpful. I love to write when I do. I use to write short stories all the time in the 90's. I use to write my feelings down on paper. Writing is relaxing for me. I use to want to write, but life got busy, but I starting up again recently. It's at my own pace! Don't tell a person they never finish anything. That's such a put down to that person. Let them find their own path & you follow your path. God gave us all gifts. We just have to figure them out. Be kind & supportive. Don't condemn other's for what they're not doing. God is love. The devil is condemning! Remember that. Love to all! ;)
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Divine Intervention
I was laying in bed reflecting & I was Praying & thinking about some things. Answers were revealed to me. We look at interruptions as disappoints, but actually they are God's Divine Intervention. I will go more into to detail on that in a minute. I'm making major changes in my life as I talked about in earlier blogs. I was wondering if I'm making the right choices & again, it was revealed this morning. I had been thinking about my late grandmother & what decisions would she make. Something said cut the TV on & turn to BET to watch Bobby Jones Gospel. A commercial was on, so I waited. It was the end of the show & Bobby started singing I'm a soldier in the army of the Lord. Ok, u say so what does that mean. That was my grandmother's favorite gospel song. I use to love to hear her beating her tambourine & singing that song! It was a message from her, saying you're making the right choices. I started clapping, singing & crying. Thank you Lord! I can remember my husband driving me home from one of my many appointments during Chemo & I was crying looking out the window. I was very sad. It was early on after my diagnosis. My husband was telling me to be strong & fight. I could see the sadness in his eyes. My kids were in the back seat & the radio was playing & all of a sudden the radio started scanning different stations on it's on. We thought the kids were doing it & they were not. All of a sudden that song came on: I'm a soldier in the army of the Lord. They freaked us all out, because we know she loved that song. We all looked at each other. My husband said that's your grandmother telling you to fight & everything will be ok. That really gave me comfort & it calmed me down. God sent me a Divine Intervention! I received that message. I felt my grandmother's presence the whole way through Cancer. That was amazing to me. So, to hear that song this morning gave me conformation & I feel good about what I'm doing. Wait & be patient while waiting on God to move. He will reveal himself in a big way. Wait on your Divine Intervention! Love to all ;)
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Saturday, October 6, 2012
Confronting the past
I called my mother & told her I forgive her. I asked her so many questions about why this, why that. She was a little defensive at first. I put her at ease & said this is not an attack. I need to heal & let go of the past. I told her I understand what happened to you wounded you & hurt people, hurt other people. I said I was sorry for what happened to her, but I need closure. I said a simple I'm sorry will help me! She listened for awhile & went on to say she's a survivor & a strong person, etc. I said why did you abuse alcohol. She said she enjoyed it & I said you used it to numb the pain & that's fine whether you believe it or not. I told her I hated her for years & I'm done with that. I said I appreciate the fact that you called when my father died & kept calling when I was going through my Cancer treatments. I said I wasn't ready to see you 3 years ago, but I'm ready to now. We can take baby steps. I also asked her to talk to all her children & apologize for the things she did. It was good for me to say how I felt & for her to hear this. I gave her something to think about. I hope she heard me. I did my part & I feel GREAT! Thank you Lord for showing me the light & letting go of my anger. To moving forward! I realized at one point that my mother was 22 with 6 kids at the time. She was a wounded baby with kids. Wow! My mother had 9 kids by age 36. She needed to heal before having kids & she didn't, so how could she have been a good mother. I get that. I won't go into details on what happened to her, but it was too terrible to process. I Pray for her that one day she finds peace & forgiveness in herself. I'm 40 & she's 57. Lord be with her! Love to all! ;)
The past is not my future
I'm trying to start letting some people in my life. I haven't had much of a relationship with my family. My grandmother, grandfather, father, brother & uncle were my family. My grandfather, grandmother & father passed away. My brother & uncle are incarcerated. I'm out here alone. I didn't have a relationship with my mother or her side of the family. My brother & I came to live with my grandparents when I was 9. My mother abused alcohol. My father abused drugs. My grandparents were my saving grace. I'm not ashamed to admit that, it's my truth & my life. It took me awhile to understand certain things, but I get it. I forgive my mother. She had a problem. She reached out to me during my Cancer treatments & we talk once a month. I'm still leary, but I have to move forward. My mother was wounded as a child. She had 9 kids & didn't know how to be a mother. She was 17 when I was born & 16 when my oldest brother was born. How could a 16 year old that was so wounded parent us. I'm taking baby steps to talk to her, but I'm doing it. I feel disconnected from her. It doesn't feel like a mother/daughter relationship. It feels like a distant relative. I can appreciate that she was the only one to reach out to me during that time on her side of the family. I was real mean to her when she called at first. I was battling Cancer & anger at first. I thought to myself, wow, she called me. I decided to be kind. I didn't want to see her during that time. I wasn't ready, but I think I can see her now. What happened in the past is the past & I can't go back & change it, so I'm moving forward. I have 7 brothers & 1 sister. I'm not close to any of them, but my older brother. We were raised together. I don't know them like that. I will try to open my heart & embrace the fact that I do have family. I will try to have a relationship with some. That's a major step for me. I'm growing. I have a younger brother who's 21 & I think I deserve to get to know him. I tried before, but I wasn't totally ready, so I stopped. I'm 40 & I have a future, but I have to let go of the past. My past won't hold me back any longer. I would go years or more without a word from my mother & I didn't care. I knew she was alive & that's all I needed to know. I share my story, because I know it can help someone, somewhere. This is a huge thing for me to do. Pray for me! I must do this. My grandparents made me into the woman that I am, but I must carry on, even though they're not here. My father was on drugs, but I knew he loved me. He was a constant in my life & I will never forget! He died 2 days before I got my test results back that I had Cancer. He came to see me in the hospital after my surgery & I knew that would be the last time I saw him. He had a heart attack all alone. I couldn't properly grieve his death because I had just had surgery & couldn't hardly move. I had him cremated. That's all I could do. I have to say goodbye to him in a proper way. I had anger in me. I had just lost my father & was dealing with Cancer at the same time. I had lost my grandmother a year before that. I had so much on me, that I buried everything! I'm here to face everything head on. I'm strong enough to deal with what I need to deal with. God gave me strength & it's time! I have a journey ahead, but I can truly say I'm ready! I'm an open book. I'm not ashamed of my past. In fact, I embrace it for my future. It's my time now. I'm getting ready to say goodbye to my father & confront my past head on. Thank you God for preparing me! I will not hold anything in anymore. That's how people get sick. Take it from someone who know's that 1st hand. Love to all! ;)
Healing & forgiving
I realized something over time, that Cancer changed me tremendously. It made me see things for what they really are & I'm in the process of making BIG changes in my precious life. I have been healing for 3 years. Not just from Cancer, but from hurt in my life. I always talk of forgiving & moving on, but I have to really let go. I was so hurt at how my family & some friends did me while I was going through Cancer treatments, that it turned into anger. I don't want that anger & will not give people power over me. God has Blessed me in so many ways & I will not take away from all that is good in my life. I had people turn their backs on me during that time. I had Cancer & it was not contagious. People acted like they could catch it. I would've never turned my back on a person like that. I had to realize that everyone is not like me. I had family wishing I would die all due to jealousy. I had friends basically trying to torment me. Yeah, harsh! I cut so many people off. I had too! I didn't deal with the issue at the time, because I was too sick. I now forgive & let go. I will not deal with these people, but I move on. I Pray for these people & wish them the best. Some people are in our lives for a season & I had to realize that. I was so hurt & lost focus. It took away from the people that were there for me. I so appreciate everyone who had a hand in encouraging & helping me during that time. When I would think about those people, I would get so angry. Not anymore. I'm forgiving & healing. I'm moving on. I have some relationships I need to repair & I'm working on that. I am quick to remove people out of my life & move on. I will stand & do what I have to do in my life. God is teaching me everyday & I'm receiving the lesson. I let go of the hurt & heal myself. I'm done with 3 years of anger. Not worth my time. That season had to come to an end. God revealed those people to me. Family or not, some people are not meant to be in your life. That's fine. Love the people that's meant to be in your life. I'm working on repairing myself & starting over. I feel so refreshed today. Thank God for enlightening me & making me see the light. Forgiving is the best thing for me to do to heal. The hurt is in the rear view mirror. Goodbye! I'm healing everyday. I'm thankful for my experience. Heal & forgive! That's the key to moving forward. Just thought I would share my story. Love to all! ;)
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