The past is not my future

     I'm trying to start letting some people in my life. I haven't had much of a relationship with my family. My grandmother, grandfather, father, brother & uncle were my family. My grandfather, grandmother & father passed away. My brother & uncle are incarcerated. I'm out here alone. I didn't have a relationship with my mother or her side of the family. My brother & I came to live with my grandparents when I was 9. My mother abused alcohol. My father abused drugs. My grandparents were my saving grace. I'm not ashamed to admit that, it's my truth & my life. It took me awhile to understand certain things, but I get it. I forgive my mother. She had a problem. She reached out to me during my Cancer treatments & we talk once a month. I'm still leary, but I have to move forward. My mother was wounded as a child. She had 9 kids & didn't know how to be a mother. She was 17 when I was born & 16 when my oldest brother was born. How could a 16 year old that was so wounded parent us. I'm taking baby steps to talk to her, but I'm doing it. I feel disconnected from her. It doesn't feel like a mother/daughter relationship. It feels like a distant relative. I can appreciate that she was the only one to reach out to me during that time on her side of the family. I was real mean to her when she called at first. I was battling Cancer & anger at first. I thought to myself, wow, she called me. I decided to be kind. I didn't want to see her during that time. I wasn't ready, but I think I can see her now. What happened in the past is the past & I can't go back & change it, so I'm moving forward. I have 7 brothers & 1 sister. I'm not close to any of them, but my older brother. We were raised together. I don't know them like that. I will try to open my heart & embrace the fact that I do have family. I will try to have a relationship with some. That's a major step for me. I'm growing. I have a younger brother who's 21 & I think I deserve to get to know him. I tried before, but I wasn't totally ready, so I stopped. I'm 40 & I have a future, but I have to let go of the past. My past won't hold me back any longer. I would go years or more without a word from my mother & I didn't care. I knew she was alive & that's all I needed to know. I share my story, because I know it can help someone, somewhere. This is a huge thing for me to do. Pray for me! I must do this. My grandparents made me into the woman that I am, but I must carry on, even though they're not here. My father was on drugs, but I knew he loved me. He was a constant in my life & I will never forget! He died 2 days before I got my test results back that I had Cancer. He came to see me in the hospital after my surgery & I knew that would be the last time I saw him. He had a heart attack all alone. I couldn't properly grieve his death because I had just had surgery & couldn't hardly move. I had him cremated. That's all I could do. I have to say goodbye to him in a proper way. I had anger in me. I had just lost my father & was dealing with Cancer at the same time. I had lost my grandmother a year before that. I had so much on me, that I buried everything! I'm here to face everything head on. I'm strong enough to deal with what I need to deal with. God gave me strength & it's time! I have a journey ahead, but I can truly say I'm ready! I'm an open book. I'm not ashamed of my past. In fact, I embrace it for my future. It's my time now. I'm getting ready to say goodbye to my father & confront my past head on. Thank you God for preparing me! I will not hold anything in anymore. That's how people get sick. Take it from someone who know's that 1st hand. Love to all! ;)